OMG this was so good that I signed up for the paid subscription mid-read!
I lean pessimistic aka negative about most things so I'm kind of used to people trying to talk me into being more positive and I'm used to being careful about complaining because I can see people's view of me change right before my eyes if I'm not careful. It f*cking sucks and is so exhausting.
I am a newish mom to a 2 year old and I'm in my 40s and I'm fairly well read on feminist genre related to being a woman /mother. My friends would identify as liberal progressive feminist. And I can be utterly shocked and bewildered that if I make a very basic complaint about motherhood (tired, overwhelmed, losing my patience, etc) that my well meaning friends will low key tell me not to be negative by saying "enjoy them when they're little, watch out it gets worse, I've never felt that way). It's like an insidious response to negativity is to say the opposite. (I am guilty of this too I've found to my horror.) I see it on mothers message boards - responses of" hmm I've never felt that way" to "sounds like ppd you should go to therapy." It is SO HARD to find safe places to complain
And then writers like you receive threats and cruel accusations. This allergic reaction to talking about hard things is all along the spectrum from what I've seen. Reading about it always makes me want to do something but I'm just not sure what.
Anyway, this piece was amazing. I'm sorry you can't read the public comments anymore because there are probably some gems in there. I'm a professor and sometimes we have a colleague /friend read the comments and only share the good ones if we are interested in the feedback.
Again, amazing job here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
So many great points here! Thanks and for linking to Conaboy's whose work I'm unfamiliar with. I read the NYT pieces and some of the comments (good grief), really got me thinking. All of this alongside reading Angele Garbere's Essential Labor, and wrapping up a postpartum doula training, which has me watching a traditional Mexican postpartum closing of the bones ceremony that made me weep in loss and jealousy. It seems our culture at large has forgotten what a high standard of care for mothers/birthers/caregivers and children can look like, still looks like in some cultures. Like why have we settled for such a low standard? It's mind boggling to me. Then, heaven forbid, we speak up, and we are chastised for it. I remember complaining about how tired I was postpartum with baby 2 last summer to my mom on the phone, and she just said, "well what did you expect?" why couldn't she have just said, "oh yes, the sleep deprivation of raising children is really tough."
Then that banned Frida ad Conaboy links too? WOW! What a great example of how we silence the truth of our body's and how birthing a human utterly wrecks us.
or in that Alice Notley poem you had us read last year in which she says of pregnancy and birth , "I obliterate myself again"
that word obliterate says it all, and affirms Conoboy's research on how our brains are changed
This is so good, Amanda. I'm interviewing Chelsea Conaboy next week (her book is so good!) and I've been fascinated by the response to her NYT piece. I've also been re-reading Sara Ruddick on maternal thinking and attentional love, prompted in part by Conaboy's book. "Maternal Thinking" was published in 1980, and it still feels so smart and relevant and honestly kind of prescient ("central to our experience of our mothers and our mothering is a poignant conjunction of power and powerlessness") now!
OMG this was so good that I signed up for the paid subscription mid-read!
I lean pessimistic aka negative about most things so I'm kind of used to people trying to talk me into being more positive and I'm used to being careful about complaining because I can see people's view of me change right before my eyes if I'm not careful. It f*cking sucks and is so exhausting.
I am a newish mom to a 2 year old and I'm in my 40s and I'm fairly well read on feminist genre related to being a woman /mother. My friends would identify as liberal progressive feminist. And I can be utterly shocked and bewildered that if I make a very basic complaint about motherhood (tired, overwhelmed, losing my patience, etc) that my well meaning friends will low key tell me not to be negative by saying "enjoy them when they're little, watch out it gets worse, I've never felt that way). It's like an insidious response to negativity is to say the opposite. (I am guilty of this too I've found to my horror.) I see it on mothers message boards - responses of" hmm I've never felt that way" to "sounds like ppd you should go to therapy." It is SO HARD to find safe places to complain
And then writers like you receive threats and cruel accusations. This allergic reaction to talking about hard things is all along the spectrum from what I've seen. Reading about it always makes me want to do something but I'm just not sure what.
Anyway, this piece was amazing. I'm sorry you can't read the public comments anymore because there are probably some gems in there. I'm a professor and sometimes we have a colleague /friend read the comments and only share the good ones if we are interested in the feedback.
Again, amazing job here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
So many great points here! Thanks and for linking to Conaboy's whose work I'm unfamiliar with. I read the NYT pieces and some of the comments (good grief), really got me thinking. All of this alongside reading Angele Garbere's Essential Labor, and wrapping up a postpartum doula training, which has me watching a traditional Mexican postpartum closing of the bones ceremony that made me weep in loss and jealousy. It seems our culture at large has forgotten what a high standard of care for mothers/birthers/caregivers and children can look like, still looks like in some cultures. Like why have we settled for such a low standard? It's mind boggling to me. Then, heaven forbid, we speak up, and we are chastised for it. I remember complaining about how tired I was postpartum with baby 2 last summer to my mom on the phone, and she just said, "well what did you expect?" why couldn't she have just said, "oh yes, the sleep deprivation of raising children is really tough."
Then that banned Frida ad Conaboy links too? WOW! What a great example of how we silence the truth of our body's and how birthing a human utterly wrecks us.
or in that Alice Notley poem you had us read last year in which she says of pregnancy and birth , "I obliterate myself again"
that word obliterate says it all, and affirms Conoboy's research on how our brains are changed
This is so good, Amanda. I'm interviewing Chelsea Conaboy next week (her book is so good!) and I've been fascinated by the response to her NYT piece. I've also been re-reading Sara Ruddick on maternal thinking and attentional love, prompted in part by Conaboy's book. "Maternal Thinking" was published in 1980, and it still feels so smart and relevant and honestly kind of prescient ("central to our experience of our mothers and our mothering is a poignant conjunction of power and powerlessness") now!
Love your writing. It is so hard not to go down a rabbit hole!
Amanda this is so good!